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Conscious Conception, Conscious Birth

I've been toying with the idea lately of offering a conscious conception and birth class. I have all the elements in my head but am still working to put them together in a cohesive way.

This was sparked by a vision for birth i have that won't seem to shake loose. I see couples birthing in water amid soft colored light with healing tones and sounds gently communicating with their babies as they labor and are born. I think before we can get closer to that place we need to heal the fear of birth that is present in so many women. To bring birth back to the sacred and amazing miracle of consciousness that it is in the minds of pregnant couples and to gain a collective understanding of how truly life changing and heart opening an experience it is for both parents.

I think this type of release work can begin pre-conception alongside the work of clearing out any unhealthy energetic patterns and clutter making room for the sacred responsibility of fostering the mind and heart of a new being.....the next stewards of our planet.

~May, 2010

Giving From The Overflow

In response to my health, the past few months have been a huge exercise in creating balance. An exercise in learning how to nurture myself so that I may continue in the work I love so much - empowering and helping pregnant families through education and doula support, a job that is both mentally and physically demanding.

Someone recently said to me that it is helpful to give only from the overflow. Something they had heard mentioned to them when they needed to hear it. So last October, when I really evaluated what was going on for me, I was shocked to realize that I was doing nearly nothing in the way of self nurturing, yet giving so much of myself in a way that left me utterly depleted and sick all the time. It didn't take long to realized this was not a sustainable business practice and something had to change. And so began my quest for time alone, time with nature and time for self-healing and self-reflection on what was missing - that nagging feeling that I somehow got derailed.

In my quite times, creeping in through the spaces created by slowing down, I traced my journey over the years to where i am today to find that I had in fact deviated from a very core part of myself -my spirituality. I sat in reflection of my early studies in this area, remembering my passion for wanting to make a difference in the world, to help heal birth by helping parents to birth in awareness and helping babies to birth amid feelings of joy and love instead of fear and worry. To some degree I was doing this, but it was easy to get caught up in the busyness of work and to forget to live my own passion in a balanced way. To forget to apply.

I've always believed that challenges that rise up in our lives are an opportunity to heal on a spiritual level, and in this case, it took a health challenge to lead me on this journey back to myself. I'm hapy to say that I now have several self-nurturing indulgences on my calendar each week compared to the barely once per month of the past year. I relish these times to myself now - time to read a good book, time to cook a long, involved meal, time to get acupuncture or an hour long soak at Piedmont Springs, time for a mssage or time to just sit and watch a good movie with my husband and especially, time to write - free flowing, from the heart for no one but me. Starting this simply, I've created what feels like a good balance and a good storage of overflow from which to give. And I feel strong and beautiful again.

~February, 2010

The Oak

The Oak, my path
beautiful, majestic and strong
roots deeply embedded into the earth
towering limbs, ancient secrets held
timeless with many branches
pointing the way
The Oak, my path indeed

And yet the birch looks sweet
as does the pine, the eucalyptus
even the cypress calls to me
like a siren in the night
the song so beautiful
I investigate to find
many billowing branches
embracing me, welcoming me
I linger in the earthly delight
years pass

As the Oak, my path
ever patient
waits for my return

~January, 2010

Nurturing the Nurturer ~ December 2009

I've booked a weekend getaway just for me at the beautiful Glendeven Inn in Mendocino for two nights. As I pack my things I feel a sense of giddy excitement for the alone time i'll have in front of a warm fire eating a gourmet breakfast in a room with a feather bed that has been tastefully decorated minus any floral patterns. I over pack for sure taking a stack of books, knitting projects, journal supplies and a bazillion outfits, of which i'm certain i'll only wear two.

Nothing could have prepared me for the beauty of this trip. As I drive the 3 1/2 hours to the Inn, i'm dazzled by the emerald green of the hills and the moss clinging to huge trees that line the two lane road. The orange, red and yellow colors I love so much this time of year seem to be around every twist and turn, luring me onward. I'm on a pure joy high and I acknowledge to myself just how much I absolutely love nature. As I get closer to the coastline, the fog and mist roll around the trees and soon twighlight brings almost a total blanket. By the time I get to the Inn, I can only see about 10 feet in front of me. It is 4pm but the tree cover and the fog make it appear to be much later. I'm so excited to see what is under all this fog that I can hardly wait until the morning. It's like a great big Christmas present - the surrouding area all wrapped up and deliciously hidden.

When my eyes first open in the morning, there is none of the characteristic slow exit from the bed. Instead I jump up and open the patio doors, knowing the Llamas will be in the pasture. They are and I absolutley giggle with delight. They must have thought I was a complete lunatic as I ran out to greet them in my PJ's with wild hair, smeared mascara, chattering at them. All of this before my morning coffee too which is surprising.

I spent the rest of the weekend taking leisurely walks around the property, feeding the chickens, chattering with the Llamas, sitting by the fire with wine and my knitting, reading and exploring the surrounding towns. The morning breakfasts were amazing too! With so much of my life immersed in birth and providing support to pregnant families, it was SOOOO wonderful to connect back to myself with some much needed self-nurturing. It allowed me extra time for reflection on my life path in service to humanity and was a heart opening trip. As I drove back home, I was repeatedly overwhemlmed by feelings of gratitude that i'm even able to do this. To get away and nurture the nurturer.

~Glendeven Inn Trip, Mendocino, December 19, 2009

Walk Quietly & Listen To The Heartbeat Of The Earth ~ November 2009

At times I can hear the loud voices of people as they wander and enjoy the magnificent beauty of this place.  At other times I can hear the hushed voices of couples walking slowly, loving energy connecting them to each other and to the timelessness of the huge trees – watchful, patient. I hear different languages floating in the air as tourists meander the pathways beneath the immense blanket overhead, creating memories to take back home.  The trees shimmer and sway, alive with healing energy and wisdom, offering gentle encouragement.  I’ll walk some more soon in search of a more secluded space where I can commune with them.  A place where I can release and purge all that is congesting my body and soul, knowing that they will gladly accept and cleanse all that I offer up.

I’ve found a nice spot well off the main trail.  There was a couple coming up behind me but they will pass shortly and quietly I hope.  This space is beautiful.  I can see myself coming back here again and again.  The sounds of a small creek just feet from where I’m sitting on the damp earth and the distant chirping of the birds high in the trees is mesmerizing and somehow deeply powerful.  I feel emotion rise in me and I weep without restraint or any understanding why.  I’ve asked the mother to help me release.  I’ve asked the trees and the earth to receive.  I breathe in raw vitality, feeling it pulse through my body, moving and shifting held places - a beginning.  I need this more often - communion with God.  I feel blessings rise in my heart for the elements, the mother, the earth, each for their willingness to love and to heal.

I sink my hands into damp, cool earth until they stain - squeezing, rubbing, smelling, delighting.  How did I miss the joy of this before?  Where have I been for so long?  I’m touching the earth, the trees, the rocks.  I’m cleansing my hands in chill waters, clear and flowing.  I’m making a rock formation – stacking and building, one atop another, small rock at the top, a leaf offering – to remember this place, to thank this place.

I notice a sign on my way out that I had not noticed on my way in.  The sign reads – *Walk quietly and listen to the heartbeat of the earth.*  I’m quickly irritated, thinking – Yes, why is everyone so damn loud. Can’t anyone read?  I flush in that same instant, I suddenly get it – on every level I hear the truth of those words.  So I do it and I am amazed.  More tears, more gratitude, and another ever so slight shift. 

~ Muir Woods, November 19, 2009